The Relaxation Response

My little superhero

This morning, I was strapping my son into his carseat, trying (as usual) to beat the clock and get to our destination on time. My little boy was not pleased at the prospect of putting on his seatbelt. He pointed out a detail that--in his opinion--prevented him from staying in his seat. These words came out of my mouth:

"Mommy knows about that. Relax."

Not two minutes later, when we were (finally) on our way, my words came back to haunt me.

With all the responsibilities I am juggling in my life right now, I am concerned that I do things correctly. I have places to be, people to see, things to do. And little, if anything, is simple.

So here are the questions I asked myself as we drove: How often do I strangle the life out of a task with my obsessive fears and worries? How frequently do I refuse to take a step of faith or follow a direction because of a detail that--in my opinion--prevents me from obedience?

As we cruised down the street this morning--the houses and trees standing in silent witness to the fact that we were finally on our way--these were the words on which I fixed my mind:

"God knows about that. Relax."

Gift to the Teacher: A Little Extra Credit

I love this hand drawn card by artist Brandi Powell (perhaps a little more than I should). Just lovely!

It's been a long time since I've read an article that made me want to jump up and down on my couch while pumping my fists in the air. Tonight I found an article that--if I weren't snuggled under a blanket, freezing from the cold--would make me do just that.

The article, What Teachers Really Want to Tell Parents, by Ron Clark, begins:

(CNN) -- This summer, I met a principal who was recently named as the administrator of the year in her state. She was loved and adored by all, but she told me she was leaving the profession.

I screamed, "You can't leave us," and she quite bluntly replied, "Look, if I get an offer to lead a school system of orphans, I will be all over it, but I just can't deal with parents anymore; they are killing us."

Read the article here. It is worth your time.

Jumping up and down in spirit--

Privacy in Context

Words of wisdom by the talented and timely J.M.Barclay.

Dear June,

I am Mom to 6 kids. The oldest is 13 and the yougest is 5. I don't know if this is a good question for your blog but I am always very interested in the answers you write and thought I'd give this question a shot. Lately my kids have been demanding more privacy. They want cell phones, computer time, TV privilege and even time alone with friends in their rooms. I am trying to be smart about this. I know kids today have more privacy than I did when I was their age. But I also don't want to be stupid. Care to share?


Mom of 6 from Tennessee



Dear Mom of 6,

Ironic, isn't it, that you are from the "Volunteer State"? I would think--with 6 children--you feel like the state was named in honor of your personal obligations. And anyway, I applaud you. Raising 6 children is admirable!

I'm careful on this blog not to respond to questions about which I am inexperienced. And since I am a new mother to a 4-year-old boy whose current hurdles involve American food and the English language, I would normally not feel prepared to tackle "the privacy of America's young."

But. You are the third person this week to send me a question on this topic. So in response to the relentless masses, here are my 2 thoughts on the matter.

(Parents with more experience, feel free to jump in!)

1. I believe that a direct line should be drawn between privacy and trust. To the degree that a child is trustworthy, he or she can appreciate a certain modicum of privacy.

2. To be honest, though, privacy (in my opinion) is overrated and should never be the chief end. Protection and guidance are my responsibility as a parent--higher on the list than, "creating opportunities for privacy." While privacy is an important part of childhood development--and an attractive aspiration for anyone under 18--it cannot be without its safety net. No matter what.

Children don't always know from what they need to be spared.

With trust and maturity, then, cell phone conversations with certain people, computer time on limited sites, television privileges for pre-determined programs, and alone time with approved friends can be enjoyed without violating other virtues.

But at the end of the day, I know more than my child knows. I know the dangers--as well as the rewards--of enjoying privacy. I want my son to grow and experience and learn--but I want to make sure that he is safe in the process. Otherwise, allowing my child to enjoy privacy to the degree he wants it will be like handing him a lit match and a gallon of gasoline and encouraging him to be careful.

Hope this helps.






P.S. I allowed my son to experience a few, rare moments of privacy in his bedroom while I wrote this post. He managed to stuff all the contents of his top dresser drawer down the laundry chute.

Leaves of Grace

I'm enjoying the last few weeks of green leaves. It's easier with this green leaf clip trio by OrdinaryMommy!

I've (officially) been the mother of a 4-year-old boy for a week and a half. While it's been the best week and a half in recent memory, it has also been the most exhausting.

Even as I write these words, the sentences on my computer screen are bobbling up and down like the scan lines on an old television set. I haven't heard my alarm clock since the day my son came to live with us--we are most often awake hours before the alarm is scheduled to sound.

And this is what I am reminded of:

We need no less grace to live our daily lives than we needed to be saved.

The same grace that saves is the grace we need for gracious responses, for genuine love, for dedicated service.

A very real part of me believes--if parenthood highlights my inability to live in my own strength--glory be! Anything that forces a more realistic view of myself and my need for God is exactly what I need ...

ZZZ ...

Once Upon a Time, You Were Born

Check out "Home" by merriweathercouncil, hand stitched in vibrant mid-tone blue cotton floss

Dear Nephew,

Today you were born. But we'll get to that in a moment.

As a writer, I am fascinated by the presence of weather in setting the scene for a story.

(Let it be known now that I am a writer and I will entertain you with stories as a child, whether or not you want me to. I already have a story that will hold your attention better than pigs and a wolf. Wait and see.)

Anyway. I digress.

Sunshine often illustrates happiness, and rain promises drama. Wind signifies change. You get the point. You should know that it was not Snoopy who first coined the phrase, "It was a dark and stormy night," but rather, it was novelist Edward Bulwer-Lytton.

It was a dark and stormy day today, hours before your birth. A few of your family members huddled in the waiting to room to await news--any news--that you were on your way. When your mother kindly allowed us to spend some time in the labor and delivery room, we listened to your heartbeat and laughed at your hiccups. We watched the monitor like it was the best kind of movie or television show (in reality, it looked like a perpetual view of the Rocky Mountains--they were beautiful). And we watched your dad say goofy things on a video camera.

And now I wonder what your future holds. We already enjoy you more than you can imagine. We will celebrate in your happiness and share in your change. We will ride the waves of drama that life promises. And we will love you for the duration of your life.

You already have a fan club as intense as any musical group or movie star.

As Edward Bulwer-Lytton wrote in Paul Clifford:

"It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents—except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets. . ."

Those words could easily be the beginning to your own autobiography. We anticipate what will fill the pages of your story.

Love you, child.

Female Without Apology

Photo by nezumichuu

I am putting today's hospitality post on hold. I just finished reading an article that has effectively raised my blood pressure several points. And you are the lucky recipient of today's soap box response.

TODAY Moms posted an article entitled, No 'He' or 'She' at Gender-free Preschool. This article, written by Jenny Kales, begins with these words:

Does your young daughter play with cars? Does your preschool-aged son pretend to cook with mom? Many parents these days reject traditional (and often, rigid) gender roles for their kids, happily buying trucks and trains for girls and encouraging boys to explore toy kitchens.

Read the full article here.

Make no mistake, I understand the value of teaching children to be well-rounded contributors to society. My husband, who couldn't be more male if you fed him a testosterone-only diet, is a phenomenal cook. He can out-souffle me any day of the week. Go on a camping trip with him, and you'll eat a better breakfast created over an open flame than you'll ever get with me standing over a stove. My mother-in-law did me a great service by allowing (read: encouraging) my husband to love the kitchen.

But the issue of gender equality--as presented in this article as well as the recent, well-publicized decision of a family to keep its child's gender a secret--extends beyond creating children who are free to learn or create or experience. In my opinion, hiding gender does nothing to promote well-rounded additions to society.

I believe an obsession with stifling a child's gender--and attacking the subsequent realities that accompany it--actually demonstrates the worst kind of inequality. Taking a boy and a girl--each with his or her unique gender-specific qualities--and making those children blank slates is not a service.

Being indistinguishable is not the same as being equal. Gender is not responsible for the ills in our society. Men and women who make bad choices are responsibility for the problems. Take away the "men" and "women" and all you have are people who make bad choices.

The true way to celebrate our equal value as men and women is to celebrate the things that make us unique.

I will not apologize for being female. There are things I can't do and things I do well. There are things my husband excells in and things he needs me to help him accomplish. And many of those strengths and weaknesses drive a straight line back to our gender-specific roles. This compensation, this harmonization, this stabilization ... makes us equal in value and importance.

Make no mistake, I hope my boys learn to cook. I hope my daughters line up tanks and army people along the headboard of their bed just like I did with my brother growing up.

But I hope they remain unapologetic for how they were created.

When Mimes Go Mad

Photo by zoovroo

It's a good thing Monday is all about the "Junk Drawer," because I am throwing in 3 random items of business tonight.

1. Don't forget to post the House Honcho button on your blog and let me know you did. This weekend I am rolling out a tab with all of the blogs that link to www.househoncho.com. Yours should be included!

2. If you're interested in throwing your name in the hat for a free cookbook, read about The Daniel Fast and let us know how you celebrate spring. (We've had several great ideas shared! Thank you for your participation!)

3. And now for a story.

On Friday night, my husband and I decided to celebrate another week completed. So we went out for Thai food. Sitting at a table next to us was a mother and her three children. (The oldest daughter was in second grade, we would learn.) Imagine our surprise when we watched the mother retrieve the pile of stylish iPod Touches from her purse and distribute them like vitamins. Each member of the family--including the Mama--took an iPod, and a meal of eating with heads bent over electronics ensued.

There was less conversation at that table than exists at a mime competition.

And that is when I made a note to self: No electronics at the dinner table. Ever.

Oh No She Didn't!

Photo by martingreffe

Driving home from work today, I heard this story on the radio and almost crashed my car.

According to sources (including this article in The Harvard Crimson), a Manhattan mother is suing a school for not adequately preparing her daughter for an Ivy League admission.

But get this.

The woman's daughter is only 4 years old.

According to the mad mama, the 4-year-old's $19,000 preschool education (which must have included some serious coloring books and platinum-laced crayons) wasn't fulfilling its promise to prepare its pint-sized pupils for a private school entrance exam. Instead, the mother claims that the children were learning about shapes and colors.

*GASP*

A school spokesperson suggested that the child may be a less-than-adequate test taker. Or perhaps she simply cracked under the pressure.

So many things beg to be said. Such as why a $19,000 preschool education is needed for any child on any planet! What happened to counting jelly beans or writing in flour or . . . simply being a kid? That $19,000 would have bought a lot of flash cards in my day.

Hopefully the child's mother has a fall-back plan. The little girl's best hope at this point may be a good marriage . . .

Dear June: Vaccines and Friendship Bracelets

Photo by Zouny

Dear June,

Thanks for a great website. I recommend it everywhere I go. It's been a fun adventure to watch it take off! I have a question for you. I have a friend who is always in my face about vaccines. She doesn't believe in them and I do. How can I politely explain that I am doing what I believe is right for us? She is a family friend and not one that I can easily avoid. But she is very bold and abbrasive about her positions."

--M. T., MI

Dear M. T. from Michigan,

Thank you for your kind words about this site. I assure you, it has been as much an adventure for me as anyone else. I anticipate many more years of learning together!

Kudos to you for caring about your friendship. Our paramount responsibility--as you obviously recognize--is not to win debates, but to love our neighbor as ourself. As I have been in similar situations--over a variety of topics--I have found it easiest to clearly communicate that I love my friend and her commitment to doing what she believes is best. Sometimes straightforwardly saying something like, "Let's agree to disagree on this one" is the best road to take. At other times, when conscience dictates that we comment, a response guided by compassion is still the key.

No doubt your friend is passionate about this topic for a specific reason. Giving her a listening ear and asking thoughtful questions will not hurt you--and will, perhaps--find the same response when you are given the opportunity to talk.

We can even discuss the possibility of not giving vaccines to children because we've long forgotten the dangers of contracting the deadly diseases they prevent. Our generation is decades removed from the devastation of childhood death by most of what the vaccines exist to shield us from. For that, we can be thankful.

So much food for thought. Until we find the answers--and even afterward--keep loving your friend!

When Dolls Need Chaperones

Photo by Peter Becker

Kids need protecting. Few adults would argue otherwise. But here is a threat we may not be taking seriously enough . . .

An article that posted last night on MSNBC suggests that the line of dolls that children play with today (think pixies, fairies, and humanized horses) are a totally different breed than we played with a few decades ago.

And while innovation and improvement is the expectation in the creative industry, the article suggests that some things are better left the way they were. We want kids to grow up, of course, but should their dolls?

One glance at the row of pint-sized princesses at the top of the article gave me enough insight to understand immediately the issues at stake. The row of scantily-dressed, flirtatious, midriff-baring dolls made me wonder why it is such a surprise that our children are 5 going on 25. Is it any wonder that little girls want to dress and act like the toys they own?

Education isn't limited to the classroom.

(The article didn't even have time to address whether or not scantily-dressed, flirtatious, midriff-baring adults were a good idea. I vote, "No.")

The article suggests that provocative dolls belong in the same category as violent video games and PG-13 movies. Parents need to pay attention to the dangers.

Here's a simple litmus test from my perspective:

If your child came to the table dressed/acting like that doll, would you send her back to her room? If so, you might consider swapping out Trampy Tracie for Strawberry Shortcake, Blueberry Muffin, and Orange Blossom.

Dear June: Help My Kids Help

Photo by limaoscarjuliet

Dear June, I have a hard time motivating my kids to do some work while we're home during the day. I think they expect me to do it all. What can I do to get them to pitch in without the whining?

Dear Double-Duty Mom,

I think we all struggle with this from time to time. Here is what has helped my family. First, incorporating some structure into your day can help your kids realize that a productive, happy day (even for little people) is accomplished when both work and play occur. Verbal cues that one activity is about to end and another is going to start establish your expectations and allow them to be successful.

The other thing that has not only turned around my kids' attitudes about work but has also given them a principle to live their lives by is that in order to have some play time we must first do some work. My busy little bees like to flit from one activity to the next. And when they request another activity, I have them perform a task first: make the bed, pick up the toys from the previous activity, clean up your room. I remind them that in order to play we need to do a little work, and they've even started chanting it like a mantra.

Hang in there, Mom. If this is a new habit, it might take some time. But the payoff is lifelong for your little people.

From my home to yours,

Would You Like Cream with That?

Photo by Carolyn Coles

Here's an idea.

I often receive e-mail from readers who are anxious to find a solution to the problem of children leaving items lying around the house. One mother told me that she faithfully collects up multiple offenders (as in items left out repeatedly--not as in her offspring) and sells them in a garage sale. Swift.

Another mother explained that she sets up shop and allows the children to buy the misplaced items after a certain amount of time. Thrifty.

Yet another woman explained in a very elaborate note that she charges the children according to a graduated pay scale (based on the son or daughter's age and ability) and she uses the money to treat herself to coffee. Industrious.

I look back on my own childhood and I recognize that I would have been one of these offenders who could have sponsored my mother's weekly Iced Cinnamon Dolce Latte, but I don't recall money being part of the equation. Fear of God and fear for my life were occassionally part of the solution, but not money.

I'm thinking tonight about whether or not monetary punishments are effective.

And I'm suddenly craving coffee.

Dear HouseHoncho

Photo by brandongreer

I get several e-mails that sound eerily similar to this one:

Dear HouseHoncho,

Thank you for your site and your daily e-mail. Without them both, I don't know where I would be right now, but probably quite the mess. I am usually overwhelmed by my house and kids. I know I should be happy to have both and I try to be, but very seldom is my house cleaned the way it should be or my kids satisfied with what I do. It's a constant struggle to keep everything done. No one told me that house keeping would be this hard. I guess I don't know what I'm asking, but I am thankful to have a listening ear.

S.J.M.
Minnesota


Dear S.J.M. from Minnesota,

Thank you for your candid e-mail. While many home managers look like they have everything under control (and many do!) there are others who struggle on a daily basis to get their work done. You are not alone!

During the month of August, I plan to further explore goal setting on the blog and hope that you will follow and experiment with the concepts I share. There are always more efficient ways to do what needs to get done. And I fear that one reason we as home managers struggle to stay on top of things sometimes is because our goals are not aligned with our realities.

What I will say for now is this: Keep your eye on the prize. You have a home and family to love. Even when the dishes don't get done or the beds made or the laundry completed, you have the capacity to make a difference in the lives of your family today. Hang in there and check out the blog in August!

Keep it simple,

On Resignation and Prioritization

Photo by Muffet

I was going to discuss a reader-submitted tip. That will wait until tomorrow.

Today my boss resigned. And while that isn't unusual in and of itself--bosses resigning, I mean--her reason for doing so is unique. My boss is a fantastically professional woman. She is beautiful, classy, intelligent, and kind. She has been successful in building a nationally recognized company. And today she turned her back on it all (except for the occasional consulting if invited). Can you imagine why?

She wants to be a stay-at-home wife and mother.

When she announced her resignation and her reason for doing so, the entire room of people stood to their feet in united applause. A sea of men and women around me--who value hard work and success in corporate America--applauded this hugely successful woman for her decision to place her family first.

Make no mistake, readers. The family, the home, and the marriage are not archaic priorities. Deep in the hearts of many who punch a timecard is the desire to care for home and family.

We must not shrink back from what we believe. Valuing the home is a wonderful decision.

She did it. So can we.

Thank You.

Photo by Marcus Cruz

You have a job to do.

God is aware of your efforts.

No meal prepared for the family has ever gone unnoticed. No middle-of-the-night care for your children or spouse has ever threatened the omniscience of the Creator. He sees your demonstration of love, observes your dedication of time, and values your gifts when you use them for Him.

So this week we care for our families--no matter what menial or mind numbing tasks may be involved--knowing that, whether or not our family notices . . .

He does.

All in the Family

Photo by srbyug

Mirror, mirror on the wall, which rule is toughest of them all?

When it comes to clutter busting, Rule #3 takes the prize for the most challenging. "What is it?" you ask.

Rule #3 for all HouseHoncho readers: Teach the members of your household where items go, and exemplify by your behavior that returning these items to their appropriate place is essential.

This rule may seem obvious--like wart-on-the-end-of-the-stepmother's-nose obvious--but the reality is, too often we expect our family members to read our minds. So you've just cleaned out the top drawer of the dresser and carefully lined up the socks by the color code. Along comes your unsuspecting husband who opens the drawer and tosses in the pair of jeans.

Why would he do otherwise if this has been the family habit?

Instead of bringing about Canada's second earthquake in one week, consider teaching your family where things go. Even better, make them part of the solution. Solicit their ideas or encourage their participation. And then model the change you want to see in the house.

Keep it on the down low, but de-cluttering the house could actually be enjoyable!

Come back tomorrow for the fourth installment of Clutter Central...and take HouseHoncho's first official challenge!

Dear House Honcho

Photo by VidyaRangayyan

Dear House Honcho,

My daughter "Kayla" is in junior high and wondering if you could offer a few ideas for Father's Day gifts that she could give her dad. Unfortunately, she has no money to spend and is convinced that means she can do nothing for him this weekend. I told her you would probably have some free ideas. Thanks.

Debbie on behalf of Mikayla
Colorado Springs, CO


Dear Mikayla,

Gifts always cost the giver. But thankfully, the gifts we give don't always need to cost us money. They can cost time or energy or effort instead. Do not be fooled into thinking that what you give to others is about money--it's about what you sacrifice to make something happen for someone else.

Here are five suggestions for money-less gifts this Father's Day:

1. Write your dad a letter. List for him the reasons you love and appreciate him.
2. Using items already in the pantry (with Mom's permission) make your dad a meal or dessert that he enjoys.
3. Create service coupons. Are there chores you could offer to help him with?
4. Spend time with your dad. (Take a walk! Play tennis! Look at old photos or home movies.)
5. Clean the garage. (But prepare your dad first or he may faint right in front of you.)

Best of wishes to you, Mikayla, as you honor your dad this weekend. Know that--even more than what you give him on Sunday--YOU are a gift.

Idea Exchange #1

Photo by Breibeest

I met Sarah J. via an e-mail she sent me a month ago.

We discussed socks.

In addition to caring for a building full of retired home managers, (Sarah runs the local retirement center in her small town), she assumes the role of mother to five children and homemaker to one thankful husband. Below are the questions I asked and the answers she provided.

1. What is one homemaking tip you would like to share with the readers?

I was complaining to my friend recently that my children don't put things away in their bedrooms without a struggle. She encouraged me to go into their rooms and look at things from their perspectives. She suggested I put boxes and bins at their eye level instead of my own, and she asked me to evaluate the reasons behind why they don't put things away. At first I thought this was dumb advice, until I went into their rooms and saw how much things were set up for my own benefit and not theirs. I switched things up, asked my kids to help me make things easier, and the habits have really improved.

2. What is your favorite room of the house and why?

I like the kitchen. My family makes a priority of eating supper together every night, and I insist on doing it at the kitchen table. I know it's old fashioned, but it's the best way we can make sure we have conversation together. To me, the kitchen represents family.

3. Is there anything you would like to ask the audience?

So many questions come to mind! I would like to ask if anyone has ideas for taming loose leaf paper. For some reason, even though House Honcho is good about telling us to eliminate it, it still crops up in my house. It's awful. Paper breeds in my home.

4. Tell us one interesting thing about yourself.

I was an only child and now I have five kids. I never experienced sibling interactions until I was a mother. (If anyone has tips about keeping the peace, I am open to those as well.)

5. Share one thing you have learned as a home manager.

I have learned that the house can be managed if it is a priority. I work outside the home while my children are in school and pre-school, and then I work in the home when the day is over. I am tired and non-creative, but it stlil gets done. I don't go to bed until I have completed the HouseHoncho e-mail.

Thank you, Sarah J.! Thoughts? Opinions? Advice? The microphone is open...
Keep it simple!

Dear House Honcho

Photo by AnnaKika

Dear HouseHoncho,

I am the mother of 3 beautiful little daughters. I know I am blessed, but I also know that I am not a good housekeeper, and it worries me that my daughters aren't ready for what's out there. My home skills are not a strong point, and I struggle to do things that other women probably think are easy. In fact, I really don't like taking care of my home, even though I am a stay-at-home mom. My mom was not a home maker. She actually laughed at people who wanted to give up a profession to stay home. I don't know what I am asking for exactly, but I would like some encouragement.

Thank you.
R. Rankin
Mississippi


Dear R. Rankin from Mississippi,

First of all, let me applaud your interest in home management and motherhood. The fact that you have made a good choice for your family that contradicts the example you were given, is wonderful proof that we are not the product of our pasts. I am thrilled for you that you have been given the awesome responsibility of raising three lovely daughters. You have already begun to teach them, by your example, that being a mother is important.

It sounds like, from what you said, that your daughters are still young. If that is the case, you have time to teach them that home management is a priority. Depending on their ages, maybe there are things you can learn to do together. Additionally, I would encourage you to seek out a mentor--specifically someone older and wiser--who you can share honest dialogue with about the struggles you are facing in your house. Maybe this individual can help you assess where your weak points are and help you strengthen them.

You have obviously started on the right foot by loving your children and devoting yourself to things that are important. Learning to fold towels and clean the oven is secondary--and certainly something you can do if you put your mind to it.

Keep it simple!
HouseHoncho