Privacy in Context

Words of wisdom by the talented and timely J.M.Barclay.

Dear June,

I am Mom to 6 kids. The oldest is 13 and the yougest is 5. I don't know if this is a good question for your blog but I am always very interested in the answers you write and thought I'd give this question a shot. Lately my kids have been demanding more privacy. They want cell phones, computer time, TV privilege and even time alone with friends in their rooms. I am trying to be smart about this. I know kids today have more privacy than I did when I was their age. But I also don't want to be stupid. Care to share?


Mom of 6 from Tennessee



Dear Mom of 6,

Ironic, isn't it, that you are from the "Volunteer State"? I would think--with 6 children--you feel like the state was named in honor of your personal obligations. And anyway, I applaud you. Raising 6 children is admirable!

I'm careful on this blog not to respond to questions about which I am inexperienced. And since I am a new mother to a 4-year-old boy whose current hurdles involve American food and the English language, I would normally not feel prepared to tackle "the privacy of America's young."

But. You are the third person this week to send me a question on this topic. So in response to the relentless masses, here are my 2 thoughts on the matter.

(Parents with more experience, feel free to jump in!)

1. I believe that a direct line should be drawn between privacy and trust. To the degree that a child is trustworthy, he or she can appreciate a certain modicum of privacy.

2. To be honest, though, privacy (in my opinion) is overrated and should never be the chief end. Protection and guidance are my responsibility as a parent--higher on the list than, "creating opportunities for privacy." While privacy is an important part of childhood development--and an attractive aspiration for anyone under 18--it cannot be without its safety net. No matter what.

Children don't always know from what they need to be spared.

With trust and maturity, then, cell phone conversations with certain people, computer time on limited sites, television privileges for pre-determined programs, and alone time with approved friends can be enjoyed without violating other virtues.

But at the end of the day, I know more than my child knows. I know the dangers--as well as the rewards--of enjoying privacy. I want my son to grow and experience and learn--but I want to make sure that he is safe in the process. Otherwise, allowing my child to enjoy privacy to the degree he wants it will be like handing him a lit match and a gallon of gasoline and encouraging him to be careful.

Hope this helps.






P.S. I allowed my son to experience a few, rare moments of privacy in his bedroom while I wrote this post. He managed to stuff all the contents of his top dresser drawer down the laundry chute.